Missing grandma

It has been two weeks since grandma passed away. I missed my grandma and looking back I have my regret. I didn't spend as much time I wish I could with grandma ever since the twins arrived. Even if I was with her, it wasn't really quality time spent cause I am always busy taking care of the babies.

I missed those days when I was alone where I can spend as much time as I could with grandma. Even at her wake, I didn't even have time to grieve cos I was too busy.

Grandma, I miss you!!

Goodbye, ah ma!!

Grandma left us on 24 november at 7.50am. I didn't manage to reach her bed side in time to send her off. When I see her, she looks like she left peacefully.

Very sad, I love my grandma and although I know this day will come but still very painful to bid goodbye.

Grandma discharging

This could be one of Grandma longest stay in Hospital, she was admitted on 2nd October 2011 and since then her condition fluctuate like the unstable stock market. It went high but mostly down. We thought we almost going to lost her the frist few days, it was an very emotional period then she suddenly seem to get better and get out of the Intensive care unit. I felt relieved only to learnt that they moved her out not because she she getting better but because the doctors felt that there was no more hope and nothing else can be done. These were the exact words of what the Doctor told me on a Friday afternoon. My tears rolled but Grandma proved the Doctor wrong and she hang on for another 3-4 weeks that followed.

Now, the doctor again said they have tried their best and exhausted all the anti-biotic that can possibily used and she is not responding to the medication. Her fever is persistent and seriously nothing more can be done.

They have taken off all anti-biotic on her and she is left to fence for herself now. Her condition did deteriorate fast and she looks bad from day to day. Weirdly instead of rushing to Hospital to see her, I am running away. I am having the fear of seeing her in this condition. I am scared and I am in denial. The next few days will be unpredictable for everyone. I am not hopeful that Grandma will recover, I only wish that she will give me a chance to say Goodbye and be with her at the FINAL HOUR.

Starbucks at Rochester drive

Starbucks has the newest, probably also the biggest outlet at Rochester Dr. Saw the update from the Facebook and decided to visit the new outlet. The music, setting and ambience of the new outlet is simply lovely. I feel like Christmas is just next week. If only this place will remain quiet and free from students studying and occupying all the tables space, then this outlet will be perfect.

Never ever prepare for THE day!!

Grandma health has been deteriorating over the years, but always remain cheerful until recent months. Just last Sunday, she was hospitalised because of her bloated and discomfort tummy. Her condition went down fast and she was transfer to ICU the same day. Initiately, doctor suspect some intestine blockage and suggested surgery. But she is already so frail and old that it is too dangerous option. While the family were discussion the option, her blood pressure drop to a dangerous level and the family gather immediately at the hospital. The doctor explained her condition and my tear flow when I look at her. Doctor said might lose her anytime, be prepared!! It was very hard but grandma condition improved afted 2 days n she got transfer out of ICU. I rejoin n relaxed. I went to visit her daily before work and on Thursday morning, she looks great, we chat for a while and I left for work. Seriously think that she got better, i decided to join my friends for dinner. I went again to hospital on Friday, happily at first until the doctor talked to me. She said, her condition is bad and they have tried everything and it is not working out, she was transfer out from ICU because there is nothing more that they can do not because there is hope. She is not going to leave the hospital alive. At that moment, my heart sank to the deep bottom. I thought all is going well, what happened and why I was not told earlier??

I know she will leave us one day....but i am not ready yet...never will I. My only wish is she will not suffer further and I can be there during the final moment. I am so scare that grandma leave without saying goodbye. I want to be there.

Sincere and Righteous when they were 3.5 months old

7 days a week

My weekly time have very much delicate in 3 groups. Fri nite to Monday morning, my full attention and focus are on the twins, all my time are spent taking care and bonding with them, and I seriously mean ALL. There are really no time for anyone else or activities.

During the weekdays when the twins stays over at the nanny's place, I will have two weekday nights to spend time with Louis on his off and morning duty day. Days When he is on afternoon duty is when I have my personal space and time.

I like this arrangement cause I can focus on my twins, my relationship with Louis and yet have time for myself which I think is important to stay sane. Not everyone agreed with the way I managed my time but who are they to comment or judge, I do not need their approval.

Visitation to A&E the third time

September is a challenging month for the twins. Only good news is they are turning the milestone of 6 months, other that is outing to the A&E one after another.

It started with Sincere fever, we went to KKH just to be sure as he fever is persistent. He recovered a day after, relieved for me. But immediately Righteous went down with fever and vomiting. She was hospitalized for 2 days, discharge and had since recovered.

Just when I thought all the storm was over, Sincere started vomiting and had slight fever on Friday night. The routine repeated, we send him to A&E, good thing is he is active and that's less worrying. So he was sent home and we have to monitor his progress. We sent Righteous to my nanny place in the middle of the night. Will go and fetch her on Sunday. I missed having them together and missed their wide smile. Pray that they will build up he immunity and be healthy again. Love you babies!!

Righteous hospitalization

Parenthoods indeed brought me new experience and when comes to my own babies, anything that might cause them harm hurts my heart.

Righteous who has been a healthy baby was seem to be down with stomach flu like condition. She has persistence fever and vomited too many times for us to ignore her condition. We sent her to KKH A&E and doctor think that she needs to be admitted for further observations. At the point when doctor mentioned admission, my tears flow from my eyes and heart felt painful. My poor little girl needs to go thru different tests to determined the cause of her fever and vomiting. She generally behave pretty well, however, she definitely appear to be restless and tired. During the first few hours, Her fever starts to come down and she drank her milk. I thought she is ready to discharge anytime but at round 1.30am feed, she vomited again. Poor thing and here I am sitting next to her while she sleep at her ward, is pretty helpless as to what I can do now. Mummy just pray that lil Righteous will get well soon and we can all go home and take a good rest. Mummy loves you!!

My mummy boy

Sincere fever didn't subside and came back after the medication wore off. We decided to bring him to A&E since it has been 3 days that this fever refuse to go.

There was no Q at the hospital, doctor checked on him and concluded that it should be just normal viral infection. However, his blocked noses was really quite bad so he had to go for cleansing and suction. He had the same procedure when he was 5 weeks old and then nurses recommended that i stayed away. Today, the nurses gave me the same advice and i handed Sincere over. However, Sincere is already 5 months old and he was so upset that he cried so badly when the nurse hand him back to me. And he had been feeling needy since we came back from the hospital. Guess my little boy had growth up already!!

Fever and blocked nose

This is the 3rd time that Sincere is not well within the short frame of 5 months. Nothing serious, he had fever n pretty blocked nose.

Despite been unwell, he is still cheerful and well behaved. Just upset to see this little boy suffer a little when come to feeding n sleeping time. He is now sleeping next to me after struggling to find the rite sleeping position that he can rest n breath at the same time at 2.30am.

Somehow I have difficulty sleeping after. 2.30am these few days and now I can monitor my boy condition since I can't sleep anyway. But being awakw makes me hungry....argh!!

Testing out the new blogger app!!

Finally Blogger has it iphone application that allows me to blog n upload picture straight from my iphone. This is so cool and best of all, this is a free app.

Anyway, didn't really have too much to update, my life now does revolving alot around the twins althought I do try to lead a balanced lifestyle as much as possible.

I started my jogging routine and are available to meet up with friends during the weekdays. I guess i am not doing a bad job. Just that some overdue dinner date with some friends just did not happened and i am not the busy one.

And yes, i still managed to have my nails manicured!!

5 months of parenthood so far

The twins was 5 months old last Sunday, looking back at the 5 months, time really passes faster compare to the time when I was pregnant.
Probably becos my weekend are all burnt taking care of them. I have also learnt to adjust my weekend to enjoy their company, I used to wanting to go out every weekend from now enjoying staying home with them.

During the initiate weeks, I desperately wanting to sleep trained them to sleep thru the night but it did not turn out the way that I wanted. They still wake up once during the night for their milk, so I might have to wait a little longer before they are able to sleep thru. We have also made the decision to let the twins stay at my nanny place on weekdays and bring them back only on Friday night. We were worried about not spending enough time with them and them not recognizing us, however, we tried for a month and the arrangement worked out fine. We can rest better and we treasure the time with the twins better. And most important of all, they recognized us and want us as much as before. Of cos the are still cons, but we just have to focus on the pros for now.

Now, the twins are sleeping while I enjoy my moment of peace, tomorrow is another brand new week. Like what every parents told me, weekend is no longer a resting period, weekend is busier and tiring compared to weekdays....this is exactly true!!! Still, I love my babies.

Baby refuse to sleep

I was angry with my baby girl when she woke up at 1am wide awake and refused to sleep. She wasn't kicking up a big fuss' rather she was having super happy mood. She wants to play with us but just not the right time and I am already freaking tired and desperately wanted to sleep. I think I really quite lost it and beat her little thighs and hands couple of times. But she give me her wide smile and that kind of made me guilty for my action. She continue to stay awake all the way to 4am while I continue to pull my hair.

Thinking back, I agreed with Louis that it wasn't her fault that she is not sleeping and I Should have more patience with her. Baby, mummy love u!!

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