Missing the good old days

It is the festive and raining seasons. Can't help but think and miss the good old days when weekends is all about myself, partying, shopping and relaxing. Now, weekends is indeed more tiring and demanding then working days.

There is no personal moment during weekend unless the twins cooperate and nap at the same time. Even then, I have to make use of the little free time to prepare their next meal, pack the messy house, vacuum the floor, shower , prepare all the baby bag for outing...and many more.

I misses those days when I can sleep in, meet friends for hi-ti and chat the afternoon away. I miss the party days and not to worry about hang over. I miss watching TV alone the whole afternoon and do nothing.

But I have these in exchange for everything:

Grandma death anniversary

Coming Saturday is grandma first death anniversay. Grandma had passed away for a year and I missed her. I was looking thru the old photos, searching for the old memories and trying to recall the time that I spent with her. I realised, we had too few photos taken, I neglected my grandma towards the last few months of her time with us. I was too occupied with my twins and I hardly take any picture of her. All ther last days pictures were taken at the hospital when I visited her. Ah ma, I missed you.

Insomnia after a tiring weekend

Coming to 2am. I am bloody tired and I can't get to sleep. I am going to hate myself tomorrow morning when the alarm goes off.

Had a good weekend with the the twins, enjoy spending time with them with Louis around, it take the stress off me and we get to spend time together as a family. What makes the time spent better was we get to bond with my cousin, brother and my mum when we brought the twins out on two different occasions.

Now, I really need to sleep, I am so tired especially I suffered a bad hangover on Sunday morning after i drank too much at the D&D. Hate the stupid feeling so much that I want to quit drinking. What must I do to sleep?? Count the sheeps??

Positive power and influence (PPI)

Have not attended external training course for a long long time. The one that I have on 5th and 6th November was held at SIM on Positive Power and Influence. The course focus on identifying positive energy, applied the energy to influence the people around us. It also show us the different style of influence that we could use or we have been using in our daily life. There are some that we need to learn and some that we need to put aside. There are always room for improvement.

During the course, I do find some of the points are so simple, direct and things that we already know. The problem is, we failed to applied them at the right time. Simple thing like receiving and giving feedback, mindful of body languages, watch out for our tone when we speak and use positive words. Common sense right but we don't usually do them.

Application of what we learn during the course is also subjected to the different situation, so be flexible. I need to set clear objective and know who to influence to achieve my goal in life. The rest is not important.

Oh, before I forget, one thing I disliked about attending such motivation courses is the role playing part. I am always selected to role play....always!!! Get a life and find someone else Lei.

To live I need to DIE

It has been a long struggled, things get complicated, productive compromised, emotion got affected and negative energy surround me. It is a realisation of hard truth and I have decided to stop fighting..let go and let me die. I have to die to live...I have decided to join the gang of super fake, super insincere, super inconsistence, bias, unreasonable, unscrupulous and the list goes on.It is ok to twist and turn our words, it is ok to take side and push blame to others. Sounds bad? Not really, this is the true world that we are living in. I used to believed in treating our business parters nice, fair and professionally, turned out, this might be my own wishful thinking. The slogan and believed that I have been holding on for the past ten years seem to be wrong wrong, I have been following the wrong direction. Very sad but all this shall change. Any changes will be painful, especially I have to let go of my faith..I need alochol.

不直的。

真的不直的为了一个小人伤心难过。他永远不会知道也不会有任何悔意，竟然如此，不如放下。

Spending quality time with the twins individually

I read from twins parents blogs that spending quality time with the twins individually is very important cause they are unique individual and I would need to bond with them in their own little way.

I thought I can only do this when they are older, wrong. I managed to spend our little quality time together today. In the morning, after Sincere woke up, I decided to bring him out to the market while Righteous and Louis are still sleeping. We drove to the market, had a morning walk around the few blocks and bought breakfast back. Had happy bonding time with my son.

In the afternoon, since Righteous woke up late, I brought her out for a quick shopping while Sincere had his nap at home with Louis. Righteous really enjoy the shopping trip, typical girl. We also visited aunty Dan on the way home.

Now, both of them are tired and trying to sleep. It is Louis time to bond with them while I take my break. Louis always get the better deal when dealing with the twins...all he needs to do is to sleep with them.

Doing research

Weekend is here and I ma reading up some of the articles on 'Why my toddler do not nap'?? I am face with this problem last weekend when Righteous simply refuse to nap for both days, she is obviously tired but refuse to give in. Come night time, she again refuse to stay in the bed room and wanted to go out and play. I am alone most of the time and I need to keep both of them together. I need them to nap so that we get enough rest, but this is really not easy. The article offer some comfort but not able to provide solution that could solve the problem. Guess i am on my own on this topic and i will have to trial and error to try out what works best for the twins. Feeling sleepy already.

Changes after becoming parents.

As much as I wanted to maintain my lifestyle to pre parenthood, there are changes that are inevitable and beyond my control. At the same time, I did manage to have some form of balance for myself.

For sure, I no longer look forward to long week if Louis is working, simply because staying home alone with the twins is a challenge beyond me, the situation is 100000 times worst when they are sick. Which is like now, both down with flu and refuse to take their medicine and afternoon nap. I felt that I am been push to the wall and tested beyond my limit. Then again, only my children have the ability to do this to me.

No more drinking and partying on a Friday night, very sad and this is something that missed very much. Even if I do get a Friday night off, it won't be the same, I won't let my hair go and drink like no tomorrow. I do have a tomorrow and they comes with two kids and I can't afford to be drunk and suffering from hangover.

Sleeping in on weekend. But I can still sleep in on a weekday for now. To sleep in mean I have to apply for leave, how sad can that be??

Personal time and desire aside, parenthood is a very expensive changes. The nanny fee cost us $2000 per month and that excludes the milk powder, diaper and weekend help cost and many more. It means I could be potentially be buying a branded bag each month or change to a luxury car with the money that I spent on the babies.

My balance comes during weekday when he twins are at the nanny. I can still meet up with friends for dinner, spend 'we' time with louis and plan overseas trip.

Parenthood is a life long commitment and the changes are so drastic that it can be very overwhelming. There are no lead time to learn and there no way to be trained or prepared for what is to come. On the job training is the only choice with no option to turn back, no such thing as 'if only' and 'what if'. Like all parents, I will not ever trade in my kids for anything in this world, no matter how much I missed my pre parenthood life or how many branded bags that I like. I have my random feel about my role as a mother. As you may guess...the feel is even stronger when they are sick and I need to wrote this down to remind myself that all this horrible moment shall pass and I love my kids no matter what.

Dear lord, please watch over them, heal them and make them sleep.

House chores that I hate and more

I hate washing cup, I do not know why. I do not have the habit of washing up my cup after I used it, I tend to leave it overnight or over couple of nights before washing it. I hate hanging up my clothes too. I am fine with the rest of the chores except these two.

Other than house hold chores, I also hate pumping petrol, I have to wait till the empty sign lighted up and wait till the tank is also empty when it is at emergency warning before driving into the petrol kiosk. I do not know why but I simply hate pumping petrol.

Other than that I think I am ok with everything else...then again, maybe not. I just can't quite remember what else do I hate, I am sometime too forgetful. Never mind, I will continue this blog when I remember them. Till then, have a good nite. Now is already coming to 2am.

Learning new thing everyday

One thing I love about my job is, I am able to meet new and all kind of personality during the course of my work. I have a very wide range of business partners and I get to meet at different occassions. During one of the recent meeting, I get to meet people from the Bangladesh high commission. First of all, they speak very good English and they are people that are passional about their conutry and they want to make a difference in the life of their countrymen.

We learnt that they are mostly muslim and all Bangladeshish received fundamental education.

I admit that I love Singapore and super proud to be a Singaporean but I don't think I have done anything more for the Country. Knowing people that want to make a difference really impresses me and kept me thinking. Here in Singapore, everyone is demanding and expecting government to make their life better, but did anyone stop and think on how to make Singapore a better place without asking for any return? We are so shelter and protected that we take Singapore for granted. We tend to neglect the safety, the harmony, the peace, the culture that we are enjoying. We should really paused and look at the surrounding.

Mentally weak

Saw on Facebook that one of my cousin is down with sore throat and my heart starts to run and my mind gets weaker. I am not worried for my cousin, she is old enough to take care of herself. I am worried for my babies. They are staying at my nanny place and they have a higher exposure to the potential risk. I have been telling myself that we need to expose the twins, that is the only way to build up their immunity. The thought is noble but the mind and body is weak. I am scared of them being sick but being scared will not improve or change anything. Silly me, I know. If only I can control my emotion...if only

Random emotion

I have my random realization and emotional moment every now and then and I just had one on my way home after my golf game on sunday. I was asked to stand in for my boss at DBS golf day, I had one of my best golf game today. But this has nothing to do with my random feeling.

I was missing my twins since I can't spend Sunday with them and it got to me that no love is big enough to replace mother love for our kids. It is so true in the song lyric that the best person and the person that love us most and unconditionally is none other but our mother. And the other person that can love us as much is probably our grandmother and that trigger my random emotion. I missed my grandma so terribly. I cried each time I think of my grandma, I really miss her.

Stride rite shoes

I am convinced that a good pairs of shoes is very important and this is even more true when come to first pairs of shoes for my twins. I have brought many shoes but I tend to neglect the development of their little feet. Righteous is wearing a pairs of see kai run hand me down shoes, and she walks with comfort and confidence. Sincere does not have a pair of shoes that fit and he seem to be in discomfort all the time when comes to training him to walk.

So, after much thought, I have decided to invest in good comfort shoes for them. We decided to try stride rite at united square. The shoes are more expensive than mine, each pair cost $65. The sweet deals was they were running some promo and some range are 50% off. I bought 4 pairs in one go and I hope Sincere and Righteous will be able to walk in comfort and confidence.

Korean drama

I am a addict to Korean drama, but not all Korean drama is about airy fairy tales. There are those that teaches great family values and life lessons. Koreans have very strong family values and they always show that in the drama.

Thru the drama, I do learnt about very meaningful words and values that they shared and there those that remind us of how to be a good parents, filial children, harmony siblings, valuable friends and many more.

See, there are positive things to learn everywhere in our life, that includes watching TV, totally justified why am I such a TV addict.